Let Nothing You Dismay
by BMillsWrites
Summary: When you're a nine year-old boy named Cody Hida, annual journeys on Christmas Eve night to uphold traditions lend themselves to a frame of goodness. When those journeys are deep into your own memory, they are still good ... just never easy.


[General Disclaimer: I do not own Digimon or its characters. Their use in the following work of fiction is for entertainment purposes only.]

[AN: This is an attempt at a quick Cody Christmas story. In addition to gifting this to all my readers (or anyone who even remembers I write these fan fictions on FFN), I'd also like to particularly dedicate this one to FFN pen name Thisisfunwhattooksolong. Thisisfun began systematically reviewing most of my Cody stories this year, helping me to re-explore my powerful connection to the character. Enjoy, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year - BM]

Let Nothing You Dismay

Tradition-minded nine year-old that he was, Cody Hida loved Christmas, so he enjoyed making and keeping many personal Christmas traditions. Just last week he'd told Upamon about the long-standing Christmas Place tradition with Yolei. The youngster was glad that tradition was going to continue - granted after being sharply adjusted for the reality of the thirteen year-old Inoue girl's "gushy" feelings for Ken Ichijouji, the former self-proclaimed Digimon Emperor. Cody mentally paused to chide himself. He had to stop tagging Ken Ichijouji that way, doing so was only going back to "the problem" he'd finally talked to Ken about tonight, at a party in Ken's home, no less. At Christmas, it was best to resolve as many problems as possible with forgiveness. It's a lesson Cody's father, Officer Hiroki Hida had taught him in dealing with Mr. Taiko Korkoro-san - as a tribe of Gotsomon in the Digital World now knew full well. Cody Hida both responded to appeals for forgiveness (like Yolei wanted from him for Ken) and he actively appealed for it (like when Yolei's classmate Tomita Atsushi was going to get punished for spoiling the big debate about Christmas). He'd even presented the forgiveness of Ebenezer Scrooge as a Christmas tradition to Upamon, who'd promptly turned the tables on him about forgiving Ken too.

Thinking about Upamon made two more specific things very clear to the current Child of Knowledge. He certainly would remember his promise of letting Upamon munch the first available Christmas candy cane become the first unique Christmas tradition they shared as partners. Secondly, Cody would not -repeat, would not - be making a Christmas tradition out of running around the districts of Tamachi to take down the spider-lady Arukinemon's Control Spires or sending Digimon spawned by them back to the Digital World. Considering all the correctly observed formalities that had to go into even casual parties and the travel time back to home in Odaiba from Tamachi, it just made for a long Christmas Eve night. So, right now - very late on Christmas Eve - Upamon was, as a poem suggested, "warm, all snug" in his bed. The youngest Hida had every intention of joining him in similar repose very, very soon. However, Cody was a dutiful boy, and he had one last duty to a Christmas tradition passed down to him by his Dad. The continuation of that tradition had been sorely tested the year that Hiroki Hida died. In a way Cody understood that who he was now had been forged in a choice he'd made about that tradition - and about Christmas three years ago this very night. Of, course he'd had help. Maybe there were plenty of kids in the world willing to forsake everything in their yesterdays trying to always find something in a tomorrow to keep them happy, but Cody Hida knew he was never going to be one of them, or at least now he did. That's why he was up here so late tonight.

The particular here that Cody was at the moment happened to be the roof of the apartment building where he'd always lived. The small boy was carrying a small, green metal box with red trim with him. It was a clear night - cold, of course, but the roof was protected from winds by impressive ledges on all sides that Cody hoped (one day very soon) to be tall enough to see over without standing tip-toe. Anyway ... the doorway of the small stairwell accessing the roof was built sort of boxing in one of the rooftop corners. Not far from the left wall of the stairwell box was a wide but low rectangular structure. Cody knew what this structure was now. It was actually a hydraulic support pump, ensuring that apartments on the upper floors got the same kind of water pressure that ones on the lower floors did. Still, the first time that Hiroki Hida had shown it to Cody Hida, the same device was Daddy's Decorating Desk. The memories were starting -

_Even at just four years old, the odd description made little Cody both smile and doubtfully furrow his brow. Desks were obviously not supposed to be outside and Mommy was in charge of making things pretty for Christmas because Mommy wanted it that way. Still these concerns were no match for the fact that Daddy was smiling, and when Daddy smiled - so did he. Cody was glad to be four now ... because Daddy said he had to be four to do this first ... because Mommy said he had to be four to do this first ... and they were right, of course they were. Daddy said the building's elevator did not go all the way up to the top and there were stairs. Cody was proud of himself for making it up the stairs himself - because he was four now. However, being four did not mean throwing away all the good sense of being three, so he still held Daddy's hand moving over to the odd outside Decorating Desk._

By the time the nine year-old Cody reached the support pump, his memory had transformed it completely back into the Decorating Desk. On its flat top - and well within the reach of a ... slightly short boy his age were four round magnets. Of course, these magnets were not in the positions Cody had originally seen them in, but that was because ... Cody worked to process the memory welling back up inside him -

_Daddy was just telling him about the magnet-things. There were four of them and Cody could remember that easy because he was four now too. Little Cody understood the magnets in a four year-old way. They stuck to metal things and metal things stuck to them. The very small boy guessed they needed the magnets because Daddy had a big, green metal container he said was his old tackle box - though Cody thought it sounded wrong to use a metal box to knock someone down while playing. Daddy didn't mean that because Daddy would never, ever do something that mean. Daddy laughed, and told him not to worry because the box just went on top of the magnets - one at each corner. This made sure the box stayed still as a Christmas Stage for some extra-special Hida Christmas Decorations. Young Cody knew they had the box ... the Stage, and now it was in place on the Decorating Desk, but where were the special decorations? Daddy surprised him. Because the Stage was also a box, then it could be opened and closed - the decorations were inside! Daddy showed him two store-bought wooden figures, each with a magnet in its base. They were like statues, statues of Christmas singers - in the same type of clothing - apparently singing loudly from the same kind of song book. One of the figures was a man and the other was a that of a small boy - and the obviousness of the symbolic representation was immediately grasped by the smiling four year-old even before his father confirmed it with a nodding smile, more pleased than even his child could yet understand. Together, they admired the unity of the two Christmas symbols of themselves, then Daddy explained the rules of doing this to him ... and the little boy instantly took every word to mind and heart. They would come up here as late as they could stay up each Christmas Eve, place their special Christmas decorations on top of the Stage just like this, and then let their little stand-ins sing a Merry Christmas to Odaiba and the whole world throughout the day. After the sun set on Christmas night, they'd come back up here and pack up for the same thing next year. As a special honor, Cody would have the responsibility for keeping track of his own representative figurine, and bringing it up with him the following year. Since Mommy did not like coming up to the roof, this was a Christmas thing that would only be for them. Maybe Cody would be a big brother some day, and little brothers ... or little sisters would share this Christmas fun too, but Daddy said that it was good to be a first-time Daddy and first-time son thing for them right now, so little Cody knew that was a fact._

Yes, as a matter-of-fact, the four magnets were not in the same places they had been five years ago, but they were in the same four-corner relationship to each other. They just defined the base of the smaller box Cody carried with him now. Cody knew the very act of bringing the smaller box to the changed proportion of the magnets was going to make him face the reason why the smaller box on the smaller space was necessary at all, but there was never any question about avoiding his memories here. It would be too easy to just numbly go through the motions of this particular tradition, get it over with, and go to bed. Honestly, Cody didn't know if that was really mentally possible for him, but the temptation was there. Besides, doing that would reduce this gift from his father to mere ritual and denying the help he'd been given at a time when he really, really needed it was an equally unthinkable dishonor. So, the young Hida delved back again - not five years ago, only three, and not to that Christmastime, but to late in the preceding fall.

_Six year-old Cody Hida knew that Mom, Grandpa Hida, and his best friend Yolei were worried about him because his Dad was gone. It was more than gone, a lot more. Cody Hida had always, always been raised to know and tell the truth, and the truth was that bad men made his Daddy die, and Daddy couldn't come back in the way Cody wanted most. That made the very little boy really, really, really angry at those bad men. Sometimes it felt like there was so much anger that it was going to get out and make a mess of everything. All the anger had to do first was break its small container: Cody himself. People who loved Cody knew what he also clearly understood about himself. Cody's way of life was about manners, and quiet, and right things - and the child firmly believed the combined opposites: loud, selfish, and mean equaled angry. It scared Cody Hida to think he'd break, not only letting the anger loose, but getting changed by it too - and never, ever being able to get back to the way that already made him both a Hida and Cody. _

_Grandpa was now Cody's Sensei, teaching the boy all about kendo. Grand ... Sensei very wisely taught him kendo as a right thing and a Hida thing. Each time that Cody practiced kendo - and he was doing a lot of that - he used the rightness of it and the family of it to battle the anger inside him. Cody knew the anger wasn't satisfied with the controlled whacks he delivered with his shinai, but that's all the anger was going to get, so kendo was helping very much. Another thing that Cody wanted to believe was helping him was his helping other people do things - especially his Mom and Grandpa. He'd always been a little helper with anything he was big enough to try. Now that Dad was gone, the six year-old wanted to help in his household more desperately than he realized. The youngest Hida not only politely inserted himself into any situation where he might be useful, he was actively suggesting many small tasks he'd be very happy to do for either of his elders, or both. He wasn't intentionally aware that helpfully doing each and every one of these small things with exacting, polite correctness left very little time for other things between school, kendo, and bedtime - like talking to Mom or Grandpa about confusing feelings that might make them sad. Little Cody only knew how not talking about feelings actually felt ... it didn't feel like anything, and since that was definitely not his angry feelings, then not feeling anything had to be better, right? The nice older lady was helping Cody too. Mom took him to visit Mrs. Judi-san - that was her name - for a while on Saturday mornings. She talked with him at the Comfort Cottage. It was a pretend name for a building, but the pretend in it wasn't trying to lie to people, so it was OK to do that. _

_At first the small boy didn't have a whole lot to say when he visited with Mrs. Judi-san. It's not that Cody wanted to be bad-mannered. The youngster had always liked quiet and now - more than ever - be believed anger did not like quiet at all. Being more quiet now was a way to be better than the anger. Mrs. Judi-san understood, and when Cody didn't talk ... she listened anyway. That reminded the boy very much of Yolei. Eventually, Cody did talk to Mrs. Judi-san about trying so hard to be better than the anger. She listened. Sensei Grandpa already knew about that because of the kendo, and he was pretty sure his Mom knew too. Only little Cody applied six year-old reasoning to decide that if his adults knew about the anger, then there was no need to talk to them about it, and even less for Cody to show it to them. Mrs. Judi-san didn't try to change Cody's mind about that. The friendly lady just listened to the talking like she listened to the not talking, and helpfully told the youngest Hida that if he wanted to talk to his family about anything, he could always, always practice with her first. A tricky thing about Mrs. Judi-san was that she asked questions about the not feeling things too. On one visit, the nice lady asked Cody to do a "remember project." The main rule for the project (even though Mrs. Judi-san called it a theme) was to create something that remembered anything he liked doing with his Dad ... well almost anything. She added another rule to his project (and this time she called it that, with a big smile). Cody could not give or do his project for Mom or Grandpa Hida, and it could not involve any kind of helping chore. The child politely chose not to notice how surprised his listening lady briefly looked when he instantly nodded his head to those terms, and announced that he wanted to do an art project. Mrs Judi-san smiled, and said that would be great, and she mentioned that the Cottage kept a lot of "odds and ends" around to help with projects like that. Did Cody need anything for his project? The six year-old was decisive about needing three things: he needed a square metal box he could hold in both hands, it needed to be a green box - or be OK to make that box green, and he would like to know and be reminded exactly how many days it was until Christmas Eve - please._

Three years of perspective both assured and reminded nine-year old Cody Hida that he had not misled Mrs. Judi Tumia-san about creating the Christmas Stage II from an old metal lunch box and available tempera paints. Crafting the box was a sincere response to the conditioned request to complete the remember project. It absolutely met her conditions AND he also needed a green box for the rooftop Christmas tradition because he did not know where Dad's box had gone. There was one thing the nine year-old version of Cody Hida knew about his six year-old intentions that Mrs. Judi-san didn't guess - at least he'd thought so. She'd liked knowing about the rooftop tradition, and told him it was sweetly honorable for him to enjoy the feeling of continuing it in his own way. Six year-old Cody simply didn't tell the supervising adult that his real plan was to always, always to continue it just the same way that Dad had done it. The older Cody still scolded himself for the omission - even though he knew he had not lied, or even fooled her one bit; and because of her, no one else either. Cody knew he was dealing with the deepest, most powerful part of the memory now. He was going to be really tired after this, but it was necessary.

_It was finally Christmas Eve, and six year-old Cody was ready to do his first roof Christmas thing alone to honor his Dad. Ready for this undersized six year-old meant being too detailed for the feelings about doing it - it had to go right first. That took a lot of steps. He had his figurine, and now he had it inside the completed Christmas Stage II. About the same time that he brought the new box home from the Cottage, the small boy paid extra attention to just how out-of- reach some buttons on the elevator were, and how heavy some hallway doors could be. He needed help from someone that was bigger than he was, someone who would not tell him that six year-old boys did not belong on building rooftops at cold nighttime. Cody instantly knew who that helping person would be. He only had to ask her. So, with a week to go, at the third-ever Christmas Place meeting between Cody Hida and Yolei Inoue, the boy gave his best friend a crayon -drawn plan for meeting him again on late, late on Christmas Eve night: it would be so late that the little clock hand should be on the 8 and the big clock hand should be on the 9! Yolei told him that meant 7:45 ... PM for night, and electronic clocks could just show that in numbers without pointing. In reply, Cody mildly sighed in exasperation and patiently repeated where the little and big hands needed to point. It was all part of his plan. After that, Yolei just smiled and cheerfully agreed to everything Cody wanted to do the way that he wanted to do it. Cody had those arrangements in mind when the shortest possible polite pause after dinner allowed him to string some factual statements together for Mom and Grandpa. It was only 6:30 PM but he was going to his room (not saying going to bed, or even staying in his room). He would see them in the morning and they would see him in the morning (not saying only see me in the morning, or at least after I get back from doing what you don't know I'm doing). Neither of the older Hidas asked the boy if something was wrong, and Mom didn't ask if he needed help getting ready for bed. They wished him a good night, and mentioned they probably wouldn't be up too much longer themselves. Little Cody nodded, bowed goodnight, went to his room and waited. _

_The youngster wasn't taking any chances tonight. According to his appropriately- sized wristwatch - one that had pointer hands - he slipped out of his room at 7:40 ... PM. Sure enough the Hida apartment was dark except for the glow of some Christmas lights in Mom's tabletop decorations. Neither Mom nor Gradndpa Hida were still up ... apparently. The very little boy was quietly out of the apartment and into the brighter hallway at 7:42. Cody was cautiously down to the main elevator two minutes later. Yolei was already holding the elevator door open for him with a big, satisfied smile on her face. Cody politely rolled his eyes at her, and got in the elevator. The girl playfully announced they were going up and the boy seriously nodded, of course they were. Cody was very focused on doing his rooftop Christmas thing just right. He should have spared some focus for the fact that Yolei - who loved to ask him questions - didn't ask anything about his green box._

_The stairs that got to the roof had been a first-time accomplishment for a four year-old. Last Christmas Eve, a more capable five year-old had scampered up here with Dad. Six year-old Cody wondered why the same climb suddenly felt like a heavy trudge through icky mud. He'd worked hard to do this right for Dad, he wanted to do this right. Why was it starting to feel wrong? The young Hida shook off the unexpected question to deal with the next practical thing - the heavy door. Yolei opened the big door, and both children braced against the cold December air. Cody led the way over to the Decorating Desk, glad that the girl never questioned why it was that. He wanted to set the Christmas Stage II down, just right ... but the magnets were too far apart. Yolei offered to move the magnets closer together for him. Cody told her no, then realized he'd said it meaner than he wanted, and apologized. She easily told him he was forgiven. If the magnets had to move, then it was his duty to do that. His best friend did helpfully suggest setting the box in the middle, moving the magnets almost to the corners of the box, then - with the box out of the way - move the magnets just a bit closer into the center. The magnets were large, heavy disks. Cody had to kneel on top of the Decorating Desk and push them closer one at a time, but he did it by himself and got down again. The adjustments worked, the homemade Christmas Stage II fit neatly on top of the relocated magnets. Six year-old Cody Hida opened the lid of the Stage-box and extracted the preciously cared-for figure of the singing boy from inside it. He closed the lid, and meticulously stood the solitary caroler on the stage. Yolei had the good form to step back and just watch her little friend do all this like everything else in the world stopped because of it. When little Cody knew that he had done everything he could do to honor the rooftop tradition, just as right as he had any ability to do it, he stood back to try to admire it, like always, always before and ... he was completely overwhelmed by feelings of just how WRONG everything about it was!_

_WRONG, All-BAD WRONG! It wasn't the same! It wasn't Dad's Christmas Stage, just one that Cody had to make as a substitute, it was WRONG. The magnets weren't in the same place Dad originally had them now, so that was WRONG. If Cody was really going to be responsible for continuing the whole tradition he should have been responsible enough to get those things RIGHT. The figure of Dad's singing man belonged on the RIGHT Christmas Stage with the figure of the singing boy. Only Dad could have placed that figure in the correct place, but the facts that Cody did not have that figure to respectfully honor in some way AND that the little boy figure had the bad manners to stand on the WRONG thing all by himself ... that was suddenly very, very WRONG! The feeling of all the wrongness all together, all at once made six year-old Cody Hida really, really, really ANGRY at himself, because a six year-old can't be angry enough with the impossibility of perfectly duplicating an idealized memory._

_The core of young Cody Hida, the mannerly child who loved order, calm, and structure, shifted into survival mode. Anger was going to break out through all the wrongness in this rooftop Christmas thing he'd messed up doing. The boy believed he had to immediately squash the anger by doing the same to all the WRONG his failure here had unleashed. Something had to represent the ANGRY WRONG, and that something had to break, even if it meant begging forgiveness from his father's memory for the rest of his own life. Mechanically, the very small boy took the statue of the singing boy down from the box and set it aside. He freed the green box from the stickiness of the magnets and set it on the opposite side. The child took up the little representation of himself again, and laid it face-up in the open center space between all four magnets. Cody then lifted the metal lunch box high over his head with both hands - a side pointing threateningly downward upon the unsuspecting figurine. Before he could gather necessary strength for the terrible blow that control required, two long arms wrapped around his middle in a fiercely warm hug and asked him not to do it. Someone who loved him told him if he did what he was about to do he wouldn't like himself very much anymore, and he wouldn't like Christmas anymore because he had stopped liking himself at Christmastime. Then Yolei told him the other half of the truth about his anger. If he did this one mean thing - and the not liking that came from it, then the anger beat him for keeps. The anger used the not feelings just like it used the mean feelings. She didn't understand everything about it, she insisted on that, but one thing was perfecto: serious manners were great, but the pure opposite of the anger was love - and you just had to feel that._

_Cody relaxed in Yolei's embrace like Mom's pressure cooker gave off steam. When it became clear that he was not going to smash the boy figurine, he let Yolei take the metal box from his grip and set it aside. Then the real boy sniffled, then spluttered, then sobbed, and finally cried for a long time ... and the girl held on to him the whole while. When Cody Hida settled into quiet, Yolei Inoue moved him to one side and placed the Christmas Stage II back on the magnets, then placed the singing boy figure back where Cody had stood him. Next, she did something that the youngest Hida did not expect. Yolei produced a figure of a singing girl - styled like the boy, but taller - from her coat pocket and placed it next to Cody's figure. The actual tall girl took Cody gently by the shoulders and stood back with him to look at the re-constructed tradition. She told him she loved it and asked if it was good enough for him? When the grateful boy told his best friend that it was good from now on, she told him that meant it was RIGHT and not to ever let anyone tell him different, especially not a mirror reflection. Yolei continued the surprises, there were two other people who wanted in on this action, as long as Cody didn't mind. She motioned to a space behind them and Cody squinted through the security lighting at two increasingly familiar figures coming to them - Mom and Grandpa Hida! The small Hida quivered again with dutiful shame for being so almost-deceptive with his family, and here they were the whole time anyway. The first thing each adult Hida did was place a stylized singing figure much like themselves with the growing chorus on Cody's small Stage. Mom checked him over in the way that Moms do, and asked if he was too cold yet? She wasn't angry with him about any of this. It obviously meant a lot to him, and things like this had meant so much to Hiroki. Grandpa Hida agreed with that. The elder Hida did remind his grandson that the boy's mother was to be the judge for permitting or refusing questionably wise things to consider until he came of age - which was not age six. Still, he had shown wisdom in seeking the ... protection of an older, wiser friend - and faced with a true moment of important decision, Cody had done the right thing, and listened to good advice. Mom did have one special helping favor to ask of Cody. Her son, true to his helpful nature, automatically agreed even before she told him what she needed. She happened to know that their friend Mrs. Judi-san would be down at the Comfort Cottage all Christmas Day, and there was a stretch of time that she wouldn't have anybody to sit down and talk with her. Would Cody please go down and talk to Mrs. Judi-san during that time? Of course Cody agreed again to do that. In fact, he would like that very much._

Cody noted, with some satisfaction, that he didn't have to stand as far back to admire the set-up as he did five years ago, or even three years ago. He'd added the red trim for the Christmas Stage II's second year out, and now that he was big enough to push high elevator buttons and open heavy doors, his family (which included Yolei) left him to this. This year's assembly was almost complete. Cody was adding a figure to the cramped area now. It had taken him a while to find the right size wooden ball, then to paint it the right color yellow, glue the balsa wings on it, magic marker on the eyes and a squiggle mouth, and finally mount it on a magnet base - but Cody couldn't wait to show Upamon sometime tomorrow.

The figurines all came out each year, just like the memories. The tears would never completely go away, but the warm smiles of loving and being loved were growing. Cody Hida appreciated the things he knew. He knew he wouldn't always live in this apartment building, with this rooftop to come to on Christmas Eve. In truth, he knew he might not have the box or the figurines that went up on it for always, and always either. Still, as long as there was Cody Hida, and Christmas Eves, and people who loved, and people to love - then in some way Cody, everybody he stood with, and who stood with him, would wish the whole world a Merry Christmas every year ... because that's really what Dad's tradition was always, always about in the first place. The anger was still there - it probably always would be, but three years ago love filled up Cody's Christmastime, and the scary thing that was almost too big for six year-old Cody Hida was no match for that giant combination. It never would be.


End file.
